I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
