i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
