he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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