I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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