His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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