If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
