I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
