Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
