I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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