Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
