I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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