so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
