Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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