I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
