Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
