Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
