You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
