i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
