it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
