the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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