so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
