3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
