I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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