I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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