Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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