Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
