Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
All the doctor said was why
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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