I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
