Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
