Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
