Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
