Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
