On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
