I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
