i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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