I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize