I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
His nipple licking is glorious
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