Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
