there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
