why didn't you poke me back
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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