bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
