So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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