somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
