i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
