I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Randomize
