having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize