It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
