she woke up with a sticky ear
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
