4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
