omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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